


Cross My Heart (Cross My Fingers)

by dvisyhead



Category: Phan, Phandom, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Death, Friends With Benefits, Heavy Angst, M/M, Mentions of Smut, Not Beta Read, Sad, Sad Ending, Songfic, Swearing, it's all sad there is like no happiness sorry, pre smut, this is shit i pushed out in like an hour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-31
Updated: 2015-05-31
Packaged: 2018-04-02 02:52:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4043017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dvisyhead/pseuds/dvisyhead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil thinks that all of the drinks are going to catch up to Dan. If they are, Dan isn't exactly sure he cares anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cross My Heart (Cross My Fingers)

**Author's Note:**

> Un beta'd. I suck at summaries but basically Dan becomes an alcoholic and his relationship with his friends and Phil start to deteriorate.
> 
> Based off Run Dry (X Heart X Fingers) by Patrick Stump.

**_Woke up this morning_ **  
**_The room was spinning_ **  
**_And I don't remember what I did last night_ **  
**_Beg the ceiling for forgiveness_ **  
**_Cause I don't want to remember what I did last night_ **

Everything in Dan's life seemed to blur together with each passing day.  Everything felt foreign and nothing seemed right no matter what he did. Whether it was waking up in a stranger's bed or downing a shot of whiskey, no matter how often it happened it didn't feel right. It was like Dan was a wandering soul, constantly looking for a place where he actually felt like he belonged. They say home is where the heart is, but Dan wonders if he doesn't have a heart and that's why he feels so exiled from everywhere he goes.

The closest thing Dan has ever felt to home was in his flat with Phil. Technically it was suppose to be a place considered "home," but Dan felt like he was putting a facade there just as well as he did anywhere else.  He felt like he was living a lie, and a transparent one at that.

**_When I was drunk I might have said some things I didn't mean  
There's nothing wrong with you, it's something wrong with me_ **

Phil used to be Dan's best friend, and now he just feels like their relationship has diminished to just occasional fucking with a few empty promises here and there. Sure they muttered a few heartfelt compliments and phrases every once and a while, but it all felt broken. They also fought a lot more than they used to, a lot about Dan disappearing late at night without a word and having no recollection of the previous events the next day. Phil called it a problem, Dan called it having fun.

_**I'm running dry from now on** _  
_**How come no one believes me?** _  
_**Believe me** _

Phil wants Dan to get sober. Phil claims that he is wasting his life away. Phil thinks that all of the drinks are going to catch up to him. If they are, Dan isn't exactly sure he cares anymore. It's not like Dan wants to die, but he's pretty sure that if it happens he wouldn't exactly fight it. Despite that thought, Dan promises he'll get better. He tells Phil he will get help and will stop going out. Empty promises are one thing, but Dan is the king of broken ones.

**_Step one: drink_ **  
**_Step two: make mistakes_ **  
**_Step three: pretend you don't remember_ **  
**_Step four: drink a little more_ **  
**_Step five: I need to run dry_ **  
**_I need to run dry_ **

Dan liked to frequent this small dingy bar just about half a mile from his flat. The place wasn't exactly packed but the prices were cheap and the people there knew him well and exactly what he ordered every time. It never took long before a few girls would approach him. He would offer to buy them drinks, they would get wasted, and they would head back to one of their places to get in a quick fuck. Sometimes guys approached him too, Dan wasn't one to be picky.

Tonight wasn't anything unique. Dan was sat at the bar, quickly sipping down glasses of bourbon one by one. After only about twenty minutes of minding his own business, someone sat down next to him. Dan quickly glanced his way and noticed it was a man about his age. He had long dirty blonde hair down to about his shoulders and you could cut yourself with his cheek bones. He had dark brown eyes like Dan's and he was wearing a Black Sabbath shirt. Hot, with a nice music taste.

The man noticed Dan's staring and he smirked, causing Dan to pretend to blush and look away. It was like a game to Dan, he would pretend to be flustered so the guy would greet him and get the conversation going. And it happened just like that, and it wasn't long before the two were paying their bills and making their way to the exit, the man's arm snaked around Dan's waist to hold the tipsy man upright. They agreed on the man's apartment as Dan flagged down a taxi. It dawned on Dan that he didn't even know the man's name, but it was just a small concern in the back of his mind that disappeared as he stepped into the cab with the stranger and headed off into the night.

_**My liver's killing me** _  
_**But willingly I'm going to tell whoever asks that I feel alright** _  
_**I beg the ceiling for forgiveness** _  
_**Cause I don't want to remember what I did last night** _  
_**When I was drunk I might have some things I didn't mean** _  
_**There's nothing wrong with you, it's something wrong with me** _

Dan didn't bother to overstay his welcome in the stranger's flat. The second he was asleep, Dan was quick to gather his clothes and slip them on. He still wasn't sober enough to even properly walk, and he has no idea where he really was so he figured it was best to call a cab. He quietly slipped out of the bedroom, not bothering to leave a note before leaving the guy's flat. It took a few minutes of intense concentration but he made it down the steps to the bottom floor before walking outside into the cool night. He felt around his pockets for a moment before finding his phone and he dialed the number of a local cab company. He took note of the apartment complex and the street number before getting a cab over to him.

As he ended the conversation with a cab on the way, Dan checked his notifications. He had about 10 text messages and two missed calls from Phil, all with his best friend sounding intensely worried. Dan brushed it off and slid his phone back into his pocket just as the taxi pulled up next to him on the street. He slipped into the backseat and gave directions to the driver. He let out a soft sign and leaned back in his seat, trying to deter his mind from any guilty thoughts about causing Phil to worried about him. He was fine, nothing was wrong. Phil just worried too much.

**_I'm gonna take one more shot_ **  
**_Then I'm quitting forever_ **  
**_Cross my heart, cross my fingers_ **

The cab pulled up to Dan's flat and he pulled out a few random bills and gave them to the driver. He knew he tipped a bit too much, but he didn't exactly care he had the money to blow. He stepped out of the car and sighed again at the sight of stairs the second he entered the building. Dan managed to trip up these things constantly when he was sober, and making his way up them when hammered isn't exactly an easy task. But after a few fumbles and groans of annoyance at himself, Dan made it to their floor. He pulled his keys out of his back pocket and unlocked the door, trying to be as quiet as possible when he entered but it was no use. The second Dan's foot hit the carpet, the lights flip on. Dan groaned loudly at the bright light as he closed the door behind him. He squinted at the light switch and took a few seconds before he realized that Phil was standing there glaring at him.

"Dan. It's four in the morning. You've been out since eight, you had me scared half to death." Phil's voice was borderline wavering as he tried to act firm.

"What can I say? I was having a good time." Dan's words slurred as he smirked at his friend.

"Why didn't you call, or even text back? I had no idea where you were. You do this all the time, what if something happened?"

"Nothing is going to fucking happen, Phil. You're not my mom, I'm an adult and I can handle myself. I don't need you treating me like you did back when I was a kid." Dan didn't bother to look at Phil's reaction as he stormed out of the room and made a beeline for his bedroom. He slammed his door shut and let out a loud sigh. He could hear Phil muttering something outside about childish behavior, and Dan felt his cheeks heat up. He wasn't a child. He didn't need Phil or anyone for that matter to watch over him.

_**I get drunk a little too much** _  
_**For it to be healthy** _  
_**No one wants to tell me** _  
_**Whiskey** _  
_**I'm trying to cut back** _  
_**Wine** _  
_**I'm trying to cut back** _

To avoid more conflicts, a lot of the time Dan has opted to drink at home. He has his own hidden stash in his bedroom and Phil is starting to believe that Dan is getting sober. Their relationship improved as well the longer Dan kept his drinking a secret. They were closer than before and their casual fuck every month or so turned into a daily occurrence. They started making more youtube videos together and Dan has been keeping up to a better schedule with his own channel. Dan didn't realize everything would be so much simpler if he kept everything hidden. Phil was so proud of him for running dry and Dan liked seeing him happy.

Late one night, Dan had already taken about four whiskey shots and a can of beer and he was feeling lonely that night. Phil had just gotten back from a three day trip back home to visit his family and Dan didn't really leave the house in that time, meaning he hadn't brought anyone back to his in a couple of days. He was drunk and a bit too far gone to think of the consequences of his actions, so he dragged himself off of his bed, leaving the open bottle and glasses laying out on his desk before walking out of his room. He noticed the light was still on in Phil's room and he smiled to himself.

Dan lightly knocked on the door and entered once he heard a small 'come in' emit from inside. Phil was laying in bed reading a book. His hair was all messed up and his glasses made him look so cute and innocent. Dan didn't speak, he just twisted his lips up into his signature smirk and walked over to the bed. Without protest from Phil, Dan took the book from his hands and set it on the table along with Phil's glasses before he moved to straddle his best friend.

In one swift move, Dan lifted Phil's shirt over his head, tossing it aside before he moved to nibble on Phil's neck. Soft moans were Dan's only encouragement as he sucked on the skin, producing a small red circle.

"Dan-." Phil whined, thinking about cameras and their fans who might notice but Dan didn't care.

Dan rutted his hips down against Phil's and they both groaned lightly at the friction. Dan felt the tightness in his pants increase as he brought his lips up to Phil's. Right as their lips collided in a hungry kiss, Phil stopped and pulled away. Dan looked at his confused until he noticed the lack of lust in Phil's eyes. Rather it was pure anger.

"I'm not a fucking idiot, Dan. You taste like whiskey. Why the fuck did you tell me you were getting dry and then you go and pull a stupid stunt like this?" Phil pushed Dan over onto the other side of the bed as he got up, grabbing his discarded shirt from the ground and pulling it on.

Dan was speechless, he has no real way to defend himself. He lied straight to Phil's face every day that Phil congratulated him and told him he was proud.

"You know what? If you want to drink yourself into the ground, fine. That's your problem. But I'm not going to stick around to watch my best friend kill himself." Phil walked over to his desk and grabbed his phone, keys, and wallet. He was thankful he was still wearing his clothes from earlier that day as he slid his things into his pockets.

"I'm going to crash at Pj's for a few days. I just can't do this anymore."

"Phil, please. Wait." Dan mustered up the courage to speak. This caused Phil to turn around to look at him, and Dan felt a pang in his stomach at the sight. Phil didn't look angry anymore, it was just pure disappointment.

"I love you." Dan said softly. He wasn't sure if he meant it, but he knew if it kept Phil from leaving him he would say just about anything.

Phil didn't show any emotion as he turned back away from Dan. He walked out of the bedroom without a single comment. Dan felt his chest heave as a small sob burst out, tears pouring before he heard the front door shut.

**_They say everything in moderation_ **  
**_But I'll drink you under the table_ **  
**_I'm not just drunk_ **  
**_I really think I'm in love with you baby_ **  
**_(Okay, I really am just drunk)_ **

Phil felt his hand tighten slightly around Claire's as he tried to contain his composure. Claire was Phil's girlfriend for about a year now, and she has been so supportive of everything happening in his life right now. He loved her, and she is what he needed right now.

Somber faces were scattered around the small group of people who gathered that day. Phil never really realized the few friends Dan had, but he figured if all you did was drink. have one night stands, and have no real social life outside of that you were bound to be a bit lonely.

Phil couldn't remember the last time Dan had been so quiet. Dan had broken out of his shell even before the alcohol. When he only had one or two glasses of ribena a night, he was still the life of every party and he always made people laugh. But no one was laughing now.

Everyone was blind. But Phil. Phil was the only one who knew Dan had a problem, and he never did anything to help besides yell. He should have gotten Dan help. Phil would rather Dan hate him than this.

Phil and the rest of Dan's friends and family stood and watched in silence as Dan's casket was lowered into the ground before them. Silent tears were being shed as people eventually began to disperse after the whole ordeal. Phil gently pulled Clair closer as he planted a soft kiss on her head, his arm wrapping around her shoulders protectively. He didn't really mean it when he told day it was alright for him to drink himself into the ground. He wished he could go back and save Dan from himself, but he wasn't quite sure Dan ever could be.

**_I'm gonna take one more shot_ **  
**_Then I'm quitting forever_ **  
**_Cross my heart, cross my fingers_ **

**Author's Note:**

> I've been wanting to write something based off a Soul Punk song, sorry if it sucks!! I haven't written in forever. If you think I should write anymore one shots based on this album, feel free to request a song!
> 
> Kudos &comments are greatly appreciated!


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